Update: the first week of school

Work

It's going great! This is definitely the best first week I have ever had! I'm exhausted because of school -- and because of all the running I've been doing.

No Magic Bullet

This whole week, we've been doing a lot of "getting to know you" activities in the classroom. First we did "Where have I been and how did I get here?" Then the big question was, "Where would I like to go?" I asked the students to visualize where they would like to be in 10 years, who they would like to be with, etc., to aid in their goal setting. As an example, I did it myself. I was honest about the three things I would like to be different in 10 years:

A) I would like to live in Montreal (or in some S. American country) for a year
B) I would like to own a house in the North End.
C) I would like to have children.

All this talk about the future and about goals, as well as the reality that I am turning 29 next Thursday, has brought me to that melancholy place yet again.

Last year -- as you know -- I decided that I was done with the emotional relationship roller coaster. So, I entered a "man free" zone. Basically, that just meant that I was going to stop pursuing them: they would have to pursue me. (Though I'm never shy about being friendly and showing interest.) Well, over the past year, the "man free" part of that zone has eroded somewhat and now I'm in some hazy place I guess I'll call "the zone." Another word for it would be "limbo." Here's what its like:

It's like I'm trying to convince myself that men are superfluous, that I'm fine without them, while at the same time I have to be honest about one thing: I want a relationship! I've come to accept that this is not going to change. And there is nothing dearer to my heart than the will to have children. I don't think this is unhealthy or unnatural: I'm plenty old enough physically and many people have had children in less stable financial situations than I have now. Of course, though, I will not have children unless I'm married, and I'm not going to marry any old bozo just because the right someone never bothered to show up.

So, I'm kind of trying to walk this fine line. On the one hand, I'm trying to convince myself that marriage is not necessary for me. I do this to protect myself in case it doesn't happen and because I know that, in the past, I have acted in a way that I think made some men feel like I was targeting them. I've been trying really hard to change my behaviors, to back off, to live in that ambiguous place where you don't know what's going to happen or even who this person is, and to let them do their thing. I've actually gotten a lot better at letting men alone. I'm still trying to negotiate the boundaries and fine points, but I'm doing worlds better. It takes a lot of conscious decision-making, but I'm doing it.

And that takes a lot of letting go and letting slide. That's really hard for me. It's a source of concern for me, this whole relationship thing, and It's not in my nature to let things go their own way all the time, but I'm trying. I can't deny that the clock is ticking and that I hear it, but the Taoist response of non-action is kind of the only possible response right now. My actions always seem to screw things up.

Which brings up another point, even though I'm sure you'll read it and think, "It's silly of her to worry about this." There are just about literally a total of 3 young, single men at work (out of 100 people)(Male teachers tend to be married. I think it's because they are surrounded by so many female teachers that the pickings are quite good.) I just found out at the end of the summer that the administration had me moved into the portable classroom next to the youngest and most eligible of them all. This is kind of inherently a challenge for me: I find him attractive and it's awfully hard not to hope. I even think he's Catholic, which is a big deal. Unfortunately, he's a really private person and it seems to bug him if I go try to talk with him too much. I'm trying hard not push or target him, since I really don't even know him even as a friend. The problem is, considering his behavior, I don't know if I'll even get the chance. I talked with my mom about it and she said, "Stop caring." Ooookay. Stop caring. How? I can hold back, let him come to me (if he ever does) but I don't know that I can stop hoping. :)

So, anyway, That's where we are. I've had an anthem lately. It's "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Maybe this is what's going on . . .

"I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay."

Maybe I need to walk alone a while longer. The only question is: How much longer? And how alone?

On the other hand, this past year has seen the birth of a couple of great friendships with married men, who seem to be the only group I can really relate to. Mike and I have had lots of fun running together. And I've been enjoying my co-workers, both male and female. Everything is going well, but it's hard not to notice that yet another year has gone by and things still haven't worked themselves out in the relationship department, despite the work I've done. I guess I just need to keep working on myself and, hopefully, someday someone will notice!

:) Elisabeth